The last letter I wrote was in 2013 but was sent. That was the year I started the label thing. But the letter was pretty funny, if I can be so smug. It was a tongue-in-cheek Top Headlines of the Year-type thing for Schwake Incorporated.
Since it never went to print, I thought I'd share it here instead. This year, you'll get our card slapped with a label that squeezes in the barest details of our year, but if you come here (and you probably will since I put the link on the label) you will hopefully have fun reading what you never got a couple years ago.
2013 Schwake Incorporated Top Headlines
Corporate Mascot Dies At Age 12 Surrounded By Loving Family
Attley Schwake, beloved corporate mascot for Schwake Inc. passed away last Tuesday, January 15th, surrounded by family. His last moments were peaceful. Those in attendance were tearfully saying their goodbyes while supplying the sweet black dog with lots of hugs, petting and many words of love. Attley will be remembered for his sweet demeanor, his love of tennis balls in the snow, his loving nature and bad breath.
COO Granted Vacation In Mexico After Rumors of a Threatened Corporate Shutdown
Chief Operating Officer of Schwake Inc., Michelle Schwake, was granted a one week vacation in the resort town of Playa Del Carmon, Mexico last week. While denying rumors of a corporate shutdown if her efforts at managing Schwake Incorporated were not recognized, she did note that the vacation was “a much needed break from the cold weather and constant work.” Chief Executive Officer, Scott Schwake, who also went on the vacation, when asked about his involvement simply stated, “I did what I had to do.”
Company-wide Spring Strategic Planning Meeting At Waterpark Of America Deemed A Success
Top brass and employees of Schwake Inc. attended a spring Strategic Planning Meeting at Waterpark of America this past week. Topics addressed at the meeting included: Making Your Bed And Why It’s Important, Brushing Your Teeth And Why It’s Important, Not Hitting Your Siblings And Why It’s Important and the well attended What Should We Do During Summer Break This Year? While not attending break-out sessions, employees were allowed to visit the waterpark and its many attractions. When asked what they thought of the event one employee stated, “It was AWESOME!!”
Schwake Inc. Relocates to New Corporate Headquarters
Before their lease was set to expire, CEO Scott Schwake, along with COO Michelle Schwake, found a new location for the corporate headquarters in the southwest corner of Grand Rapids, MN. The company purchased the new headquarters to better facilitate corporate endeavors and to provide expanded space for capital inventory. “We like stuff” said CEO Schwake. And now the company will have room for that stuff. The 4 bedroom, 3-car-garage house with the detached workshop and storage area should be able to accommodate the company for several years. Renovations are being planned with a remodeling of the downstairs bathroom being the first major project.
CEO Approves Capital Expenditure for Company Yacht
CEO Scott Schwake approved $500 for a new company yacht last Friday. When asked about the purchase he said, “It’s really more of a pontoon. But it will suit our needs just fine.” The water craft is a vintage 1970’s era two-tooned pontoon with a 40 horsepower motor. The boat is being worked on to fix some lighting and steering issues, as well as general cleaning and maintenance which has been long neglected. It is slated to make its maiden voyage and be moored at the corporate retreat property on Bass Lake in northern Itasca County later this month.
Three Top Employees Promoted!
Three of Schwake Inc. most promising new leaders were promoted this week. Cate Schwake, age 9, was promoted to 4th grade. Clare Schwake, age 8, was promoted to 3rd grade. And Cooper Schwake, age 5, was promoted to Kindergarten. After a 3 month sabbatical all employees are refreshed and enjoying the new routine and new teachers. While both Cate and Clare are used to the routine of all-day, every-day school, Cooper is still getting used to the long hours. When asked how he liked his new duties he replied with a shrug, “It’s okay, I guess.”
Schwake Incorporated Celebrates 11 Years of Success
Eleven years ago this month Schwake Enterprises merged with Guillemette, LLC to become Schwake Incorporated. The momentous event was marked by celebrations in the street and lots of treats for everyone. While some would say that the celebrations are because of Halloween, those at Schwake Inc., choose to believe that it’s all for them and the success of their company.
New Feline Mascot Hired Unexpectedly, Search Continues for Canine Mascot
Since it’s inception, Schwake Inc. has always had a canine mascot. After the death of Attley, the beloved corporate mascot in January of this year, the company has been waiting on a good time to hire a new canine mascot. But during that wait a feline mascot by the name of Leopard (Leppy or Lep for short) came knocking on the company doors. First spotted in late October, the cat was given food and water but would be on it’s way each night, never making a formal commitment to Schwake Inc. “We didn’t know if he belonged to someone else or if he was just making do in the outdoors,” said COO Michelle Schwake. But as the weather turned colder, the feline became a regular visitor to corporate headquarters, oftentimes staying for a few days and nights at a time. After Thanksgiving, the COO decided that the cat would make a good corporate mascot and decided to offer permanent employment to the mascot. A medical visit is in the works and the search still continues for a canine mascot, which should happen sometime in the beginning of the new fiscal year.
Toilet Paper Rationing Mandated After Clogged Comode Floods Two Floors Amidst Corporate Remodeling
Two floors of the corporate headquarters were flooded after an overflowing toilet incident last Tuesday night. A broken flap inside the tank is to blame, although an excessive use of toilet paper being flushed did contribute greatly to the problem. CEO Scott Schwake was on the scene quickly and helped to mitigate widespread damage. The company is thankful that the flooding happened in non-carpeted areas and that the remodeling of the downstairs bathroom was in its early stages, leading to very little residual damage. COO Michelle Schwake was quoted as saying, “I was looking for a reason to get rid of that dropped ceiling anyway.” A new training program has been initiated for all Kindergarten level employees on proper toilet paper usage.