The last letter I wrote was in 2013 but was sent. That was the year I started the label thing. But the letter was pretty funny, if I can be so smug. It was a tongue-in-cheek Top Headlines of the Year-type thing for Schwake Incorporated.
Since it never went to print, I thought I'd share it here instead. This year, you'll get our card slapped with a label that squeezes in the barest details of our year, but if you come here (and you probably will since I put the link on the label) you will hopefully have fun reading what you never got a couple years ago.
2013 Schwake Incorporated Top Headlines
January
Corporate Mascot Dies
At Age 12 Surrounded By Loving Family
Attley
Schwake, beloved corporate mascot for Schwake Inc. passed away last Tuesday,
January 15th, surrounded by family.
His last moments were peaceful.
Those in attendance were tearfully saying their goodbyes while supplying
the sweet black dog with lots of hugs, petting and many words of love. Attley will be remembered for his sweet
demeanor, his love of tennis balls in the snow, his loving nature and bad
breath.
February
COO Granted Vacation In Mexico After Rumors of a Threatened Corporate Shutdown
Chief
Operating Officer of Schwake Inc., Michelle Schwake, was granted a one week
vacation in the resort town of Playa Del Carmon, Mexico last week. While denying rumors of a corporate shutdown
if her efforts at managing Schwake Incorporated were not recognized, she did
note that the vacation was “a much needed break from the cold weather and constant
work.” Chief Executive Officer, Scott
Schwake, who also went on the vacation, when asked about his involvement simply
stated, “I did what I had to do.”
March
Company-wide Spring Strategic Planning Meeting At Waterpark Of America Deemed A Success
Top brass
and employees of Schwake Inc. attended a spring Strategic Planning Meeting at
Waterpark of America this past week.
Topics addressed at the meeting included: Making Your Bed And Why It’s Important,
Brushing Your Teeth And Why It’s Important, Not Hitting Your Siblings And Why
It’s Important and the well attended What Should We Do During Summer Break This
Year? While not attending break-out
sessions, employees were allowed to visit the waterpark and its many
attractions. When asked what they thought
of the event one employee stated, “It was AWESOME!!”
May
Schwake Inc. Relocates to New Corporate Headquarters
Before
their lease was set to expire, CEO Scott Schwake, along with COO Michelle
Schwake, found a new location for the corporate headquarters in the southwest
corner of Grand Rapids, MN. The company
purchased the new headquarters to better facilitate corporate endeavors and to
provide expanded space for capital inventory.
“We like stuff” said CEO Schwake.
And now the company will have room for that stuff. The 4 bedroom, 3-car-garage house with the
detached workshop and storage area should be able to accommodate the company
for several years. Renovations are being
planned with a remodeling of the downstairs bathroom being the first major
project.
July
CEO Approves Capital Expenditure for Company Yacht
CEO Scott
Schwake approved $500 for a new company yacht last Friday. When asked about the purchase he said, “It’s
really more of a pontoon. But it will
suit our needs just fine.” The water
craft is a vintage 1970’s era two-tooned pontoon with a 40 horsepower
motor. The boat is being worked on to
fix some lighting and steering issues, as well as general cleaning and
maintenance which has been long neglected.
It is slated to make its maiden voyage and be moored at the corporate
retreat property on Bass Lake in northern Itasca County later this month.
September
Three Top Employees Promoted!
Three of
Schwake Inc. most promising new leaders were promoted this week. Cate Schwake, age 9, was promoted to 4th
grade. Clare Schwake, age 8, was
promoted to 3rd grade. And
Cooper Schwake, age 5, was promoted to Kindergarten. After a 3 month sabbatical all employees are
refreshed and enjoying the new routine and new teachers. While both Cate and Clare are used to the
routine of all-day, every-day school, Cooper is still getting used to the long
hours. When asked how he liked his new
duties he replied with a shrug, “It’s okay, I guess.”
October
Schwake Incorporated Celebrates 11 Years of Success
Eleven
years ago this month Schwake Enterprises merged with Guillemette, LLC to become
Schwake Incorporated. The momentous
event was marked by celebrations in the street and lots of treats for
everyone. While some would say that the
celebrations are because of Halloween, those at Schwake Inc., choose to believe
that it’s all for them and the success of their company.
November
New Feline Mascot Hired Unexpectedly, Search Continues for Canine Mascot
Since it’s
inception, Schwake Inc. has always had a canine mascot. After the death of Attley, the beloved corporate
mascot in January of this year, the company has been waiting on a good time to
hire a new canine mascot. But during
that wait a feline mascot by the name of Leopard (Leppy or Lep for short) came
knocking on the company doors. First
spotted in late October, the cat was given food and water but would be on it’s
way each night, never making a formal commitment to Schwake Inc. “We didn’t know if he belonged to someone
else or if he was just making do in the outdoors,” said COO Michelle
Schwake. But as the weather turned
colder, the feline became a regular visitor to corporate headquarters,
oftentimes staying for a few days and nights at a time. After Thanksgiving, the COO decided that the
cat would make a good corporate mascot and decided to offer permanent
employment to the mascot. A medical
visit is in the works and the search still continues for a canine mascot, which
should happen sometime in the beginning of the new fiscal year.
December
Toilet Paper Rationing Mandated After Clogged Comode Floods Two Floors Amidst Corporate Remodeling
Two floors
of the corporate headquarters were flooded after an overflowing toilet incident
last Tuesday night. A broken flap inside
the tank is to blame, although an excessive use of toilet paper being flushed
did contribute greatly to the problem.
CEO Scott Schwake was on the scene quickly and helped to mitigate
widespread damage. The company is
thankful that the flooding happened in non-carpeted areas and that the
remodeling of the downstairs bathroom was in its early stages, leading to very
little residual damage. COO Michelle
Schwake was quoted as saying, “I was looking for a reason to get rid of that
dropped ceiling anyway.” A new training
program has been initiated for all Kindergarten level employees on proper
toilet paper usage.
